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Are you wondering how to be more emotionally available in a relationship? It’s a popular question these days. Ten years ago, no one even knew what “emotionally available” meant. But now, we often refer to a person’s emotional IQ or the fact that they are emotionally available or unavailable.
Young adults entering the culture of relationships seem to understand that there are kind, good-at-heart people out there who don’t mean to be unfriendly or distant. They are just emotionally unavailable. These emotionally unavailable souls often find it hard to connect with others because they were raised in a home where emotions weren’t safe. They find it challenging to share their own feelings, much less pay attention to yours. How To Improve My Energy Field? 5 Fabulous Ways To Really Feel Better
What Does Emotionally Available Mean?
When people are emotionally available, they understand how to manage and express their feelings, words, and emotions. They also know how to help navigate the feelings of other people they connect with too. They have good emotional boundaries and respect other people’s boundaries.
In general, they are that person you know who is seldom moody and often solid, easy to talk to and easy to navigate. They share their thoughts and feelings without you having to follow them around the house, asking, “What’s wrong…are you OK?” They can also talk about challenging things without blaming you or making it all your fault.
What Does An Emotionally Unavailable Person Look Like?
We all can have moments of being emotionally unavailable. It happens when we get hyper-focused on work or a project or when we feel overwhelmed by an ongoing problem. Most people can adjust and do better once they realize they have “checked out.” You are emotionally unavailable when you not only seem checked out but also ARE checked out and don’t know how to check back in.
This can be identified in others when someone doesn’t express their thoughts and feelings well, is often moody, has unexplained outbursts, and lacks empathy for others’ feelings. We throw the word “Narcissist” around a lot these days. But often, the person you are engaging with is a good person to know. They would do anything for you. They just don’t understand how emotions work (yours or their own), making them emotionally unavailable.
Good News-You Can Learn How To Be More Emotionally Available In A Relationship.
If the person you think of when you wonder how to be more emotionally available is you, there is good news. This isn’t some kind of chronic illness. You can learn to be more emotionally available. It takes some time and some real “Pay Attention” juice. But you can get better and then get better than that. The first part is understanding what you need to work on right now. It’s hard to change something when you don’t know what is causing your relationships to sputter and possibly crash. So, let’s start there. How To Improve My Energy Field? 5 Fabulous Ways To Really Feel Better
How To Be More Emotionally Available In A Relationship-Step #1: Connect.
One of the first reasons people give for “We’re just not working out” is that there was no connection. People say, “We just didn’t connect,” or “I’m looking for a connection, and we just didn’t have it.” So what is this mythical unicorn called “Connection” all about?
In its simplest form, connection is when we feel seen by someone. It feels like a person really knows us and gets what we are about. We recognize connection when someone really seems to understand what we are saying. Have you ever had someone in your life with whom you could talk for hours and feel like 15 minutes had passed? That’s because the two of you connect.
What Does Connection Look Like?
When we connect with someone, it is natural to offer comfort when the person you care about is upset or hurting. Comfort doesn’t mean fixing or micromanaging. It just means offering, “I understand this is hard for you.” or “How can I help?” or “What do you need?”
Isn’t that what we are looking for in all of our relationships? We want to feel seen, heard and understood. We also want to be that friend, lover, employer, teacher, or family member who helps others feel that way, too. If this is challenging, you may think there is some connection gene that other people have, and you don’t. That isn’t true. You can learn to connect better.
The first step is to CHOOSE to be someone who knows how to connect and select others with that same ability. So…do you choose it? If you do, then carry on. The following steps will tell you exactly how to learn to connect.
How To Be More Emotionally Available In A Relationship- #2: Don’t Be Afraid.
Feeling fear, vulnerability, uncomfortableness, and awkwardness are often the first reasons a person is emotionally unavailable. None of that stuff feels good, so the best way to avoid it is not to put yourself out there. That fear can come from childhood, a past marriage, or someone who made you feel like it wasn’t safe to talk about what you feel or be who you really are.
For some people, there has never been a safe place to say, “Here is who I am, here is how I feel, and here is what I need right now.” When we have never had that ourselves, creating that space with or for someone else is hard. If that is you, we get it. Talking about your feelings is burdensome. Being open to how someone else feels is like a landfield of bombs that could blow your foot off at every step. How To Improve My Energy Field? 5 Fabulous Ways To Really Feel Better
Yes, I’m Afraid.
So, telling you not to fear feelings is like telling you not to think about purple hamsters. (You can’t help but think about purple hamsters now, can you?) So, there could be some real work to do here, depending on how deeply that fear goes. Try finding someone in your world who is easy to talk to and seems to genuinely care about you.
Even if you can’t reciprocate immediately, feeling heard and having someone to share some emotional perspective with is helpful and healing. It’s also good practice for not feeling so awkward or uncomfortable because this person just sort of “gets you” (even if they think you are an odd duck, you’re their odd duck).
What If I Need More Than Friendly Advice?
If you are afraid because of past trauma, brutal childhoods, or a relationship that really did a number on you, you might need someone with more letters at the end of their name. There are some wonderful counselors that can approach this journey like a classroom adventure of learning more about you. There is strength and freedom in asking for someone to help you figure it out. There may even be affordable pay-as-you-go programs in your area if you don’t have insurance. There are also some good online options like BetterHelp.
How To Be More Emotionally Available In A Relationship-Step #3: Prioritize.
Sometimes, the problem isn’t being afraid or not knowing how to connect with other people. It’s often that we just don’t prioritize the right things. We get caught up in work, projects…and life. We forget that the people in our lives need our time and attention if we want them to feel like they matter to us.
It might not happen all the time, but in some instances, you may have a prioritizing issue if you can’t have a conversation without checking your phone. If you take calls in the middle of dinner or check in with work at family functions, you may have a prioritizing problem.
How do you prioritize when so much is pulling at you? You have to check in with yourself and be sure that you are where you mean to be. Ask yourself, “In this minute, what is this minute about?” Regularly ask yourself, “What is important to me?” “Who is important to me?” Now, here is the big third question to ask yourself after that. “If I only had my actions to go by, is what I say is most important to me, where I am putting my focus, attention, and energy?” How To Improve My Energy Field? 5 Fabulous Ways To Really Feel Better
Pay Attention!
Anything less than a definite yes means you’ve got some prioritizing work to do. If your relationships are the most important things to you, do the people in those relationships with you know that? Do they have reason to know that?
The best tool to help you prioritize is to be present. Be present in your life, day, conversation, or even a problem. Whoever or whatever is before you is what gets your focus. But what if you have a stressful job or a stressful life?
Don’t use that as an excuse. Stewing in that stressful situation is not helping you. Take a breath and then take an opportunity to think about something else by spending quality time with someone you swear to the relationship Gods- means the world to you. They don’t have to have 24-hour priority, but they have to know they have space in your life. In that space, they need your time, attention, and a feeling like you are glad they are in your life.
How To Be More Emotionally Available In A Relationship-Step #4: Create And Respect Boundaries.
Most of the time, boundaries are the mystery of a relationship…any relationship. If you never witnessed how to have good boundaries, it’s hard to recognize and respect other people’s boundaries. If emotions and feelings are also a mystery to you, it’s hard to do that “reading the room” thing that everyone talks about.
What do good boundaries look like, anyway? A person with good emotional boundaries knows where their feelings start and other’s feelings end. They realize that we can care deeply about others but are responsible for our own feelings and actions.
When you understand this boundary thing, it makes it so much easier not to blame everyone else for…everything. It’s easier not to make each issue about everyone else or take on someone else’s bad mood because they made it your fault. In the words of Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing, a person with good emotional boundaries knows where “My dance space” ends and “Your dance space” begins.
Good Questions:
You can practice your own good boundaries by asking yourself, “Why am I being so irritable with them?” “Did anyone really try to mess up my day, or am I just in a bad mood?” They can also be with other people’s feelings without making them their own. Creating, acknowledging, and holding good boundaries is a life skill that is so worth the time to learn. A good book on the topic is Boundaries Where You End And I Begin-how to recognize and set healthy boundaries By Anne Katherine, MA (on Amazon)
How To Be More Emotionally Available In A Relationship-Step #5: Listen-Express-Share And Give Others A Safe Place To Stand.
Once you get a glimpse and put some effort into connecting, not being afraid, prioritizing, and respecting boundaries, it’s time to try your hand at #5. So, let’s break it down one piece at a time.
LISTEN:
By this, we mean really listen, not just hear. Listen not just to the verbiage coming out of someone’s mouth but to what they mean. Listen for the emotions and feelings that they are trying to express. You can hear it in their tone, inflection, and how they use the words. Then, ask good questions. This not only creates clarity but also lets the other person know that you were really listening.
EXPRESS:
Once you’ve listened, express what you heard, how you feel, and what you have to say about it. If it was a complaint about something you did, try not to get defensive until you ask questions to clarify the problem. If the topic is sweet sharing, again, ask questions. Then express what that makes you feel and how you feel about it.
SHARE:
Sometimes, you are the initiator of the conversation. Offer memories, thoughts, and insights into your day, the world, and life. We don’t mean a monologue but a “sharing” saying, “Here is the world according to my perspective.” It helps others really get to know you. Conversely, when you do fine a sweet soul that listens… share. Don’t dump. Don’t vent. Share what you are feeling or thinking. Then, make space for them to share. With that comes the next one…
GIVE OTHERS A SAFE PLACE TO STAND:
Often, people who feel vulnerable and awkward themselves are the worst about not giving someone else a safe place to share their thoughts. We women can be terrible about setting significant others up to fail. We ask a question, daring someone to give us the wrong answer. We are ready to pounce on why that was the dumbest thing we have ever heard.
Don’t ask questions, you aren’t willing to hear the answer to. Give others space to express their feelings without you or anyone else trying to fix, judge, or convince them to feel differently.
In What Way Would You Be Different If You Knew How To Be More Emotionally Available In A Relationship?
Now there is the question, isn’t it? It’s easy to get information and definitions. But how would YOU be different if you used this information? If you are emotionally unavailable, it’s a powerful thing to ask yourself that question. Try it on. How would you be different? How would you talk to people differently? How would you respond to people differently? What would have priority in your life? What kind of friend, parent, partner, lover, or co-worker would you be?
New skills are like trying on jeans at the mall. You can try something on, see if they zip, and see if you can sit down in them. Do they fit, or do you have to suck in your tummy? Will you need to lose 5 lbs (change), or do they feel like a second skin? Understanding how to be emotionally available can be tried in the same way. Try these five steps and see how they change your interaction with people.
We all want to feel seen, heard, and understood. It’s easier to have people in our lives who can offer that when we offer it ourselves. Just…try it on. You’ve got this.
Pixi-Pebbles For How To Be More Emotionally Available In A Relationship.
Pixi-Pebbles are songs, quotes, videos, interviews, movie references, and books that we each personally pick for you.
We’ve used these little Pixi-Pebbles to move ourselves from a feeling we’re not enjoying very much…to a feeling that helps us discover our vision of intention, awareness, and direction.
They lead us to hope, possibilities, and a fire under our butt to live life by design instead of default.
In our blog, 5 Easy Ways To Understand How To Be More Emotionally Available In A Relationship, here is a Pixi-Pebble that came to mind…
Just a little inspiration to get you from here to there…
Boundaries are a big part of being emotionally available. Here is a great resource from our friends at Becoming Boundaried. Just click here to check out some great free resources and daily inspirations on facebook.
