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There are several big misperceptions about divorce that just aren’t true. They are big because…well…divorce is big. You’ve never heard someone tell you about the tiny little divorce they got in their 20s. Maybe someone out there had a small divorce, but it feels big if it happened to you.
There are so many big misperceptions because the feelings that come with a divorce are…complicated and tangled, and there’s a lot to sort. Then, they can become discombobulated perceptions that are very human but, most of the time, invalid.
A lie (or misperception) can travel just as quickly as truth. (Sometimes faster because often an “untruth” is much more interesting). For this reason, you can find plenty of folks to agree with the icky things you are telling yourself. Misery loves company. This makes borrowing someone else’s tough divorce belief easier than considering your genuine experience. So, let’s see what misperceptions about divorce we can unravel right here, right now. I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce 7 Key Points To Help You Decide
Misperceptions About Divorce That Just Aren’t True #1.
“I’m A Failure.”
Fear of failure is possibly the number one thing we are all afraid of. (Well…and…spiders and… snakes) Fear of failure may be why you stayed married as long as you did. The thing to know is that regardless of who asked for the divorce, who screwed up, who left who…you are not a failure.
If you are reading this, you are probably divorced or thinking about it. This means you and/or your partner may have failed at something intended and promised in your vows. That is a failed intention. It’s happening does not make YOU a failure.
Often, leaving a marriage that isn’t working (for whatever reason) is the bravest, most self-supporting thing you could have done. You deserve to love and have love for who you genuinely are. Sometimes, it’s the kindest thing you can do for someone else when you realize your feelings have changed. Set them free so they can find someone who will give them the love they deserve.
There are times when leaving a marriage is the most promising and successful life step you can take. So did you make mistakes? Probably. Did you make a mess? Maybe. But there is a life after those marriage and divorce misteps, and you are about to find it.
Misperceptions About Divorce That Just Aren’t True #2.
“I Don’t Know How To Do This.”
It’s not unusual for a newly divorced person to slide down their bedroom wall, whispering in a whimper, “I don’t know how to do this.” Whew…sigh…so much compassion for that moment in the divorce process. It can feel deep, heavy, overwhelming, and…IT’S TRUE. (Wait…What?… Worst pep talk ever…right?) But it is true. You don’t know how to do this.
Maybe you chose and orchestrated your divorce. Perhaps this wasn’t your choice and was thrown at you like a rock through a window. Regardless, at some point, you found it better to be divorced than to stay where you were. You don’t know how to do this because you’ve never done this before. Even if you have been divorced or been through loss before, this is a new journey with new details and new feelings. I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce 7 Key Points To Help You Decide
You have never done this unless you are one of the 6% of people who remarry the same person. Even then, the details and feelings are new, different, and unknown. So, give yourself permission to feel a little lost. But also give yourself credit for figuring out some pretty hard stuff up to now, You will figure out how to do this, regardless of what “this” looks like.
Misperceptions About Divorce That Just Aren’t True #3.
“I’ll Never Get Over This.”
“I’ll never get over this” is a very human way to feel after any sort of loss or anything that hurts you deeply. We’ve all felt it. We’ve all believed it at some point. We all know of someone who didn’t get over something and their life turned down all the wrong roads. That’s the reason to be determined for that not to be what happens to you.
YOU WILL GET OVER THIS. How long will that take? There are all sorts of formulas out there on the internet. There is one theory that it will take one month for each year you are together. For example, 8 years of marriage will take 8 months to get over. Some give it a point system with points for how many years and how many children, if infidelity was involved, or if you left for someone else.
Many support groups say not to make big decisions for a year, and you will be safe. We wish we could give you a magic timeline for when you will feel some sense of normal. We can’t. We do, however, know a formula. What do you want it to feel like…be like when you are “over this?” With every choice, thought, and action, do what moves you closer to that feeling and that version of you.
If you’re looking for additional support for moving forward in a healthy way, The Divorce Recovery Workbook is a great resource (click here to check it out.)
Misperceptions About Divorce That Just Aren’t True #4.
“If I Miss Or Yearn For Anything About My Marriage, I Made A Mistake.”
After your divorce is final, you may find that you are missing something from your old life. You may even find that you are missing your divorced mate. That doesn’t mean that you made a mistake. It means you are very, very human.
Regardless of what your anger and hurt are telling you, this relationship wasn’t all bad. It couldn’t be. Unless you married a stranger at midnight…in a drive-through chapel…in Vegas…you spent time with this person before you married them. There was a reason you wanted them. No one gets married thinking, “Oh, if it doesn’t work, I’ll just get a divorce” (despite popular opinion by those who have never had the experience of divorce). I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce 7 Key Points To Help You Decide
There must have been some good, sweet, and deeply connected times, or you would never have thought about marrying them. So it’s natural that once the chaos calms down, your mind drifts to what drew you to your past love. You also had some sort of life with this person. Maybe you miss your home, your ex-inlaws, their children from another marriage, the social groups you used to be part of or the family vacations.
Sometimes, You Aren’t Missing What You Think You Are Missing.
There are times when what you are missing is what your marriage represented. A client once shared that she felt good during her first full weekend of living in her new place. She felt independent and a sense of, “I did it!” She decided to make herself a big breakfast and read the paper on the porch.
She was reading an editorial that she found hilarious. She said out loud to no one, “Did you see…” and then realized there was no one there to share the rest of that sentence. At the moment, she thought it meant she was missing her ex. After further discernment, she realized she missed the companionship that comes with having other people in the house.
Her ex was still a tater head, and she was still grateful she had the strength and foresight to divorce him. But she had to admit that there were good times and good things about being married. She had just dismantled her life and was rebuilding it somewhere else. Yep, human. It’s not a mistake…just memories and emotions.
Misperceptions About Divorce That Just Aren’t True #5.
“The Best Way To Get Over A Lover Is To Find Another Lover.”
We could have started with this one. It’s not only a misperception about divorce but also one of the biggest mistakes newly divorced people make. Hopefully, you know someone who wanted and orchestrated their divorce. They made good choices, kept it together, and made it all work. Yeah, for them, and what a strong and sensible person to emulate in your divorce strategy. I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce 7 Key Points To Help You Decide
But here is the part they don’t tell you. Unless you leave your spouse for someone else (not usually the best strategy, but that’s for another blog), there are some things no one talks about. Being newly divorced is a little bit scary and can be very lonely. So, your mushy and tired brain is looking for a fix. Surely, another person filling that empty space in your heart and your gut will do the trick.
Enter The “Transition Person.”
A transition person is a quick fix that helps you overcome confusion, fear, and loneliness. Often, they are someone you wouldn’t have looked at twice had you not been so exhausted and sad. Once you heal, you usually won’t be as attracted to this person. Don’t put someone who really likes you in that position. Also, once you heal, don’t allow yourself to be anyone else’s transition person. They need time to heal, too.
It’s an easy mistake to make. It seems like an obvious solution. But YOU AREN’T READY TO DATE. If you start dating too soon, you will not have the time to heal and become whole again before navigating another relationship. Once the new and shiny wears off your new person, it starts. All the baggage, hurt, and/or trauma from your last relationship will surface. You will get hurt and will probably hurt someone else.
There is a popular and true saying, “If you don’t heal your wounds, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.” Take some time to breathe, heal, and have a love affair with yourself. Give yourself time to recover and figure out what the hell happened and what you want to happen next.
Misperceptions About Divorce That Just Aren’t True #6.
“I Will Never Love Or Be Loved Like That Again.
This feeling can come quickly if your divorce was with your first and only real love. Why wouldn’t it? You possibly aren’t sure how you found your previous relationship, much less imagine there could be another one. What if you didn’t choose to be divorced but had it thrust upon you? You may be grieving the person you thought would be with you forever.
Often, it’s not about believing you could ever find love again. After a divorce, you are tired, strung out on your own adrenaline and pain, and maybe war-weary. Why in the world could you ever risk getting hurt again? Because again….YOU’RE HUMAN, and in our human-ness, we crave emotional connection, mental partnering, and physical touch.
You’re not weak or dependent. You are a beautiful and lovable human being who, by nature, enjoys the company and companionship of others. Believe it or not, many kind and healthy people with sweet souls are ready to share life with someone. That person will show up when you feel healed, whole, and ready.
We often recommend The Mindful Divorce: How To Heal And Be Happy After Separation as a resource for healing and being open to loving again. Click here to get your copy.
You Deserve To Be Happy.
We get it if you are rolling your eyes at that last part (newly divorced people are usually jaded too…it’s ok…we get it), But happy relationships are not a sweet, little cozy thing to believe. We have watched it in action and helped people navigate it. We’ve seen the person who said they would never be “hinged” to another person again. We’ve seen the person, sure they don’t need anyone. Yet their person showed up anyway, unannounced and unattached. When you are ready, it will happen. You’ve got this!
Pixi-Pebbles Healing The Misperceptions About Divorce That Just Aren’t True
We’ve used these little Pixi-Pebbles to move ourselves from a feeling we’re not enjoying very much…to a feeling that helps us discover our vision of intention, awareness, and direction.
They lead us to hope, possibilities, and a fire under our butt to live life by design instead of default.
In our blog, 6 Big Misperceptions About Divorce That Just Aren’t True, here is a Pixi-Pebble that came to mind…
Just a little inspiration to get you from here to there…
Louise Hay has been one of our most impactful teachers and mentors. As you ponder the misperceptions about divorce that just aren’t true, loving yourself is very important. Louise has lots to say about the importance of self-love. Click here to find out what she has to say about self-love.
