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Plenty is written about how to find love. But how do you get motivated to love again after you connect your heart to someone else and it doesn’t work? Maybe you dated for a few weeks. Perhaps you were married for years. Regardless of the timeline or circumstances, it hurts and feels vulnerable. It feels like you will never be able to feel like that about anyone else again.
You feel bruised and sunburned and maybe have acquired an emotional limp. What do you do now? How do you get yourself to a place that feels healed, whole, and ready to try again? Dating, connecting, and building a new relationship feels scary, but so does thinking of yourself alone without a meaningful partner. Where do you start? Unraveling The Truth: 8 Big and Common Myths About Motivation
Step #1 To Get Motivated To Love Again-Take Time To Heal And Have A Love Affair With Yourself.
“The best way to get over someone is to find another someone” is a tempting solution. It feels quick and easy and might temporarily help stop any lingering pain. However, it usually makes things very messy and causes not one heartache but two consecutive ones. Many of us have dated someone who really wasn’t ready to start dating again but did it anyway. It seldom works out long-term.
There is a saying, “When you don’t heal from what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.” This is why taking time to heal is essential. It’s also a great time to take a breath and a minute to have a love affair with yourself.
Step #2 To Get Motivated To Love Again-Get Clear On Your Part Of The Last Relationship.
It doesn’t matter who did what wrong, whose fault anything was, or who broke up with whom. You had a part in your last relationship. You had a part in choosing that person, and you had a part in the break-up, even if it wasn’t you who left. This isn’t about fault or shame. This is about recognizing what happened, where it went wonky, and how not to wind up in the same spot again.
Maybe your part was in the beginning in choosing someone you had no hope of being with long term. A mermaid and a unicorn can fall in love. But where the hell are they gonna live? It could be the wrong person for you at the right time of vulnerability. Maybe your last significant other wasn’t “right,” but they were good for “right now.” Only you know what happened.
Regardless of who was at fault, think about where you can improve your communication skills, patience, and relationship skills. Again, the point is not to blame. The point is you not picking a similar person and doing what you always do, thinking it will be different this time. Unraveling The Truth: 8 Big and Common Myths About Motivation
Step #3: To Get Motivated To Love Again-Get Clear On What You Want Out Of A Relationship.
Often, when asked what they want in their next relationship, people start listing physical attributes like eye color and how tall they are. They start talking about this new and imaginary person’s profession and general outlook on life.
But the first thing you need to know is what you want out of a relationship in general. How can you be motivated to love again, try again, when you don’t know what you are looking for? You can’t get what you want if you don’t know what you want. Some good things to ask yourself are what you want to feel like in a relationship and who do you want to be in a relationship.
Here would be a good example:
“I would like to be in a solid, healthy relationship full of respect, kindness, integrity, and laughter. I would like to be in a relationship where I feel comfortable being myself, totally heard, and like I’m dating my best friend. I’ve got their back, and they have mine. In all of that, we enjoy each other’s company and value who each other is as a person. Oh…and we have a lot of fun together.”
Step #4: To Get Motivated To Love Again-Get Clear On The Kind Of Person You Want To Be In Relationship With You.
OK, here is where you start your laundry list of who you would like your next significant other to be. You get to do what you want with this list. But we suggest you not get too hung up on this person’s appearance and just intend to be very attracted to them. It’s fascinating how many find their person and realize they look different than who they usually date or who would typically get their attention.
We suggest you focus more on who they are as a person.
A good example would be:
“I would love to bring someone in my life who is kind, funny, interesting, a person of integrity who has a passion for what he does and life in general. I want to feel safe with them physically and mentally. The next person in my life will be emotionally mature and emotionally available. They will be mentally and physically healthy and be the kind of person who feels good in their skin. They will be excited to be in my life and value who I am.”
Step #5: To Get Motivated To Love Again-Don’t Look For “THE ONE.”
How much stuff is there online about finding “THE ONE?” We suggest that instead of focusing on a hunt for “THE ONE,” focus on bringing more whole, healthy, interesting, fun people into your life in general. Even if you don’t date any of this new tribe, you are gathering your new community. Whole, healthy, interesting, fun people tend to know other whole, healthy, interesting, fun people. When you create a community of these folks, they will bring more such critters across your path.
Step #6: To Get Motivated To Love Again-Know Your Risks.
The biggest reason that people are not motivated to love again is because they are afraid to try to love again. The fear is real and reasonable. So it’s good to understand your risks. Yes, if you make yourself available for potential relationships, you run the risk of:
- Picking the wrong person.
- Getting hurt again.
- Making a different mistake that you haven’t made yet.
- Hurting someone else.
There, we said it. That is your risk, and those risks are scary. However, the more you do steps 1-5, the better your odds are for getting a different result this time. But then there is another set of risks. If you can never get yourself motivated to love again, you also risk:
- Spending your life alone and without companionship.
- Spending your life without a connection.
- Letting your heart be fearful and grow hard.
- Never knowing what could have been if you had tried love again.
To us, that is a much more significant risk of living a joyless life. Yes, there is a risk of getting hurt, but there is also a possibility of connecting with someone who has been looking for someone just like you to love, value, and enjoy life.
Step #7: To Get Motivated To Love Again-Take It Slow And Be In The Moment.
So what if you did steps 1-6, put yourself out there, and really connected with a new someone who feels nice to be around? What comes next? Take it slow, and don’t worry about what comes next. Be in the moment.
It’s easier to be motivated to love again when you don’t feel like you are on the tilt-a-whirl at the county fair. It makes you dizzy and like you might throw up on your shoes. Take this ride low and slow, and don’t let anything turn you upside down. Unraveling The Truth: 8 Big and Common Myths About Motivation
Be in the now. Yes, when you are with this new person, pay attention and really connect with them. But also pay attention and really connect with yourself. Don’t run on automatic pilot. Pay attention to anything that feels off or uncomfortable. Pay attention to anything that feels touching and sweet. Put this sign (Click here to get yours) somewhere you can see all the time. Just a little reminder of what the big plan is here.
Notice things that feel new about this relationship in comparison to the past. Check in with yourself, ensuring this moment feels right and good for you. Don’t rush anything! You have plenty of time to let this relationship grow organically and genuinely. Take your time getting to know this new person, and give them plenty of time to get to know you.
Directing a new relationship in this direction helps there be less fear and more inspiration and motivation to love again. Take your Time. You’ve got this!
Pixi-Pebbles For Anyone Who Wants To Be Motivated To Love…
Pixi-Pebbles are songs, quotes, videos, interviews, movie references, and books that we each personally pick for you.
We’ve used these little Pixi-Pebbles to move ourselves from a feeling we’re not enjoying very much…to a feeling that helps us discover our vision of intention, awareness, and direction.
They lead us to hope, possibilities, and a fire under our butt to live life by design instead of default.
In our blog, 7 Amazing Steps To Get Motivated To Love Again, here is a Pixi-Pebble that came to mind…
Just a little inspiration to get you from here to there…
If you hang around Enchanted Perspectives long enough, you know we have a deep respect for Louise Hay. We couldn’t think of anyone who better gets to the heart of what it takes to not only be motivated to love again, but to love again in healthy ways than Louise Hay. Click Here to hear what she has to say about love…. here’s a hint, it all starts with you!
