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It can be challenging to find yourself after divorce, especially when you aren’t quite sure where you got lost. Here’s the first thing to know. You are not lost. You are present and accounted for. What may have happened, however, is that your self-perception and awareness of YOU have changed. You might feel like you don’t know yourself anymore. You know who you were as someone’s significant person, but who are you now? How do you find yourself after divorce?
We all need the confidence that comes with a hefty dose of self-awareness. It feels empowering to know who you are, say what you mean, mean what you say, and feel good in your skin. But how do you get there when almost everything in your life feels different? Life was put in a mason jar and shaken like a chocolate protein smoothie. I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce 7 Key Points To Help You Decide
Own That You Know Things You Didn’t Know Before.
Maybe your divorce was a slow burn, like watching a tree fall in slow motion. Perhaps, all the reasons you needed a divorce moved so fast that you’re still unsure what happened. Maybe your marriage didn’t last long, or possibly you were married for decades. Either way…things are different now, and YOU are definitely different.
You have experienced things, seen things, and now understand what you couldn’t before. Sometimes it’s the other way around. You used to think you were about as smart as you would get about life. Now you feel like someone changed all the rules and stole all the road signs.
So, if you are asking yourself, “Who am I now?” or “How do I get back to who I used to be?” Keep reading. We’ve got some awesome and empowering ways to find yourself after divorce. There are things to know and things to ask yourself. So, pull out your favorite journal, and let’s figure this out together.
Way To Find Yourself After Divorce #1
Get To Know You Again.
It’s essential to connect with who you really are NOW. It’s okay if you don’t know who that is and have to start from scratch. Take your time. There’s no hurry here. Approach getting to know you just like you would try to know anyone else. Take yourself out for long walks and have coffee by the fire. Ask yourself questions and really listen to the answers. I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce 7 Key Points To Help You Decide
The rest of your life will continue: work, adulting responsibilities, family, and kids. This could take a minute (or weeks or months). Take your time and allow yourself to experience YOU.
You’ve changed. Your family may have changed, and it may feel like the whole world is in another galaxy. As simple and underwhelming as it may seem, a great place to start is with a new journal. That might sound like a very modest suggestion for a big undertaking. But there is something about starting a new journal with new words, unique ideas, and questions you’ve not previously asked. Those empty white pages tell your brain that you are starting over and starting again with a clean slate and a clear mind.
Some Of Our Favorite Journals Are:
Hardcover Leather Journal-Click here to check it out and get your’s.
These are great if you like more of a notebook feel.
Hardcover Spiral Notebook Journal-Click here to check it out and get your’s.
They are both well-made, pretty, and affordable. There is something about a blank journal that just feels like anything is possible.
Journaling Questions To Get You Started In The Conversations Between You And You.
- How am I different now from when I was married?
- How am I different now from when I was single before?
- What do I know now that I didn’t know before?
- What is something I care about now that I didn’t before?
- Is there anything I want to change about who I am now, such as a belief, habit, or perspective?
- What do I really need right now? What could I do to find that for myself?
Way To Find Yourself After Divorce #2
Realize You Can Go Forward, But No One Can Go Back.
People often ask, “How do I get back to where I was ?” Here’s the hard and true answer (but also an exciting one). YOU CAN’T GO BACK ANYWHERE. YOU CAN ONLY GO FORWARD. Knowing that you can’t go back may feel scary. But it’s actually freeing. We can’t go back to anything, but you can start working on who you are becoming and what you will be doing…tomorrow. We love this quote from C.S. Lewis:
“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”
Don’t worry about getting back to some version of you. You can’t duplicate yesterday. But know that you cultivate the newest version of yourself every day you breathe and appreciate the moment you’re in. Keep reading. The following ideas will help you move forward with intention and on purpose…your purpose.
Way To Find Yourself After Divorce #3
Create Your New Boundaries And Minimum Standards.
It doesn’t matter where your divorce started or ended; this is a NEW BEGINNING. So, that makes it a great time to evaluate what worked and what didn’t. Let’s begin by navigating other people.
As bizarre as it sounds, we really do teach people how to treat us. We slowly show people what we will put up with and what we won’t. We teach people what is necessary if they choose to be part of our life. We also teach them what we will put up with and accept as okay.
This isn’t about expecting people to carry you around on a precious pillow. This is about having good boundaries. If, in your marriage, you put up with substance abuse and foul moods, you may have a new boundary about drinking or recreational drugs. You may find someone from the past yelled a lot, but now, no one gets to talk to you disrespectfully or bitterly. I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce 7 Key Points To Help You Decide
So What’s Your Boundaries?
Can someone commit to a 5:00 dinner and then call at 5:45 to say they will be there at 6:30, only to arrive at 8:00? Is it ok for someone to ask you to pay for dinner this time…and next time…, then ask if they can borrow $20? Is it ok for people in your life to tell little white lies or withhold information from you?
Relationships that don’t work out quite right can give you insight into your boundaries. How do you want to be talked to, treated, respected, and valued. From here on out, how will you teach people to treat you?
What’s Your New Minimum Standard?
You may have a new awareness of what you will no longer tolerate. These are your boundaries. Along with your boundaries, what are your minimum standards? What minimum does someone need to offer to be considered friend or lover material?
Someone once described it to us as:
“My new minimum standard is that anyone who wants to be in my life in any way must bring as much to my experience as they take. I no longer let anyone stand at the potluck of my world without them bringing a dish of their own to share. When someone hurts, distresses, or drains me more than the joy of having them around, I will have to graciously and with as much kindness as possible…walk away.”
Boundaries and minimum standards are your rules for teaching people how to treat you. What are your new rules?
More Journal Questions:
- If I had rules for how people must manage themselves to be a close part of my life, what would they be? (Example: They must treat me with kindness and respect. They must have integrity. They must be looking for the joy in life.)
- What will I no longer tolerate? (Example: Being disrespected. Being last on someone else’s important list.)
- What boundaries do I already have in place? What did I never tolerate? (Example: “If you ever hit me, you better kill me because it’s not going to be fun for you when I get up!”)
- What boundaries do you need to put in place for yourself? (Example: I will no longer date people who don’t show that they value who I am as a person. I will no longer allow anyone to yell at me or be disrespectful to me.)
Way To Find Yourself After Divorce #4
Discover Who You Choose To Be.
If you have just come out of a divorce, there are probably many new things going on for you. Some of these things you chose, and others you didn’t. This segment of change is also a fabulous time to discover who you CHOOSE to be. Think of this time in your life as a “do-over.”
A good place to start discovering who you choose to grow into is by asking yourself what you admire and respect in others. While married, were you the one counted on to “Say it loud for the back row?” Maybe now you admire those who can speak volumes in a wise whisper.
Were you quiet or a poor communicator? Pay attention to those you see who communicate their thoughts well while being firm yet kind. Were your thoughts scattered and unclear? Notice those who take a breath and give themselves time to say what they really mean.
What Would You Like To Change:
If you have always been a homebody, you may want to get out and see what the world has been holding behind its back. If you’ve always been an out-and-about busy bee, maybe you want to connect with the part of you that enjoys small, quiet time on your back porch.
Are there things you’ve wanted to learn or subjects you’ve wanted to study? Maybe you were all about work and now want to blend in some forest bathing. Perhaps you were the stay-at-home Mom who now wants to connect with your entrepreneurial self.
Whatever you choose to become, give that version of you space to stand, room to grow, and a genuine voice to tell you what is needed now and in the future. I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce 7 Key Points To Help You Decide
Here Are More Things To Journal About:
- Who are some people I have always admired regarding how they experience life? (These can be people you know or people you remember from movies or books.)
- What characteristics do I admire in others? (This can be anything from how someone looks to how they carry themselves. It can be how they interact with others, how they navigate life, or how they make you feel when you are around them.)
- If I were being my highest and best self, what kind of person would I be?
- What would I need to change, let go of, or learn to be that person?
Way To Find Yourself After Divorce #5
Discover What Feeds You Now.
Something led up to the divorce. Then, there was all the navigation to avoid a divorce. Next thing you know, you are working out the details of getting a divorce. Regardless of how you got here, you have used a lot of brain cells, energy points, and probably a lot of tears. (Even when you instigate a divorce, there are usually a lot of tears.)
Regardless, it’s been a long journey. You may feel tired and discombobulated, drained and wobbly, hyper and agitated, or hungry to your soul. So, what feeds you?
Get That Journal Out And Ask Yourself These Questions:
NOTE: It’s ok to express something vague like, “I need to go somewhere I’ve never seen and do something I’ve never done.” Maybe it’s, “I need to have a conversation with someone about something I’ve never talked about before.” A client once said, “I need to get rid of my BS friends and get some real ones.” Whatever comes up, don’t edit. Just write it down.
- What is it in me that needs feeding?
- What do I need right now? (This can be big things like a new job or a vacation or small things like a hike in the woods or some “friend time.”)
- What used to feed me?
- Is that still what I need, or has that changed?
- What action steps could I take today to start finding and giving some of these things to myself?
Way To Find Yourself After Divorce #6
Discover What Really Matters To You Now.
No matter how independent-minded you were in your last relationship, things can fall through the cracks when you join your life with someone else. It takes a lot of good communication to fit everything that matters to two people into one life. So it’s not unusual to realize that what mattered to “Us” as a couple or a family may not be what matters to you now.
You will be surprised to find the things you don’t care about now that mattered when you were married. You didn’t navigate poorly. It’s sort of a natural osmosis. When you combine two lives in one house, you take on each other’s passions, concerns, and mental collections.
Some Examples:
If your spouse didn’t like snow, you probably never took ski lodge vacations. If they didn’t like hot weather, you may not have planned trips to the beach. Your partner may have loved antiques, and you both enjoyed junking. But in your new home, you may crave new, shiny, and modern. You weren’t lying all that time. It’s just that what you loved as a couple may not be what you love when there is no one else’s preference to think of but yours.
You may have been married to someone passionate about minimalism or living close to the land. But now that it’s just you, a condo in town feels perfect. Your spouse may have felt a great passion for saving koala bears in Australia, but you feel called to focus on the no-kill shelter across town. Maybe your significant other was very dollar-impressed and inspired, and you just want to live life as simply as possible in a sweet, hygge, cottage-core way.
Whatever it is, identify it. What matters to you now? Where do you want your money to go? Where do you want your creativity to go? Where do you want your energy and your life to go?
More Journaling Questions For You:
- What used to be most important to me regarding how I spent my money, time, energy, and life?
- How has that changed?
- What only mattered to me because it mattered to my spouse?
- Is there anything that mattered to me when I was single that got lost in my marriage? How can I incorporate these values into my present life?
- In order, what matters to me most in life? (Examples: Spirituality, Freedom, Connection, Creativity, Travel, Security, Safety)
- Who matters most to me in my life?
- Where would I like to invest my time, money, and energy in the future?
- Is there anything new that I want to add to my list?
Note: Regardless of your answers, make sure that YOU are on the list of what matters.
Way To Find Yourself After Divorce #7
Learn To Play Again.
If you are reading this, you have probably been through some… stuff. Even the friendliest divorces are stressful and create big emotions. You’ve also had to do a lot of adulting. No matter your story, there have been significant shifts. There’s a reworking of your life and new emotions…lots and lots of new emotions. I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce 7 Key Points To Help You Decide
So, what if you took a little time to play? That may go against the grain of everything you’re thinking right now. There is so much to do and redo and undo. How in the world can you find time to play? Well, we suggest you make time because you need a break.
If you can afford to take a trip or getaway, that’s awesome. But we are talking more about playing a little every day. Walk during your lunch hour and feed the squirrels—dance in the kitchen. Get your bike out and go for a ride. Buy some adult coloring books and colored pencils and just…play.
Give your brain a break. Give your nervous system some space and give YOU some time just to play and piddle. These are fun, calming, and so pretty:
2 Piece Coloring Books for Adult Relaxation Coloring Book Spiral Bound Printed On One Side Thick Paper Mindfulness Gifts—Click here to check it out and get yours.
Mindfulness Coloring Book–Click here to check it out and get yours.
Fairyland Coloring Book–Click here to check it out and get yours.
Adult Coloring Book- 36 Dual-Tip Markers, 30 Patterns Spiral Bound Coloring Books for Relaxation and Mindfulness–Click here to check it out and get yours.
32 Colors Duo Tip Brush Markers Art Pen Set, Artist Fine and Brush Tip Colored Pens, for Adult Coloring Books, Calligraphy, Journaling–Click here to check it out and get yours.
Blow bubbles off the back steps. Get some flower pots and plant some herbs or flowers. Start a collection of found rocks, pinecones, and feathers. Do things that get you out and moving or get you in and content. Just play. You need it. You want it, and YOUR DESERVE IT!
New Beginnings.
For all the complex parts of divorce, this can be a new beginning you didn’t know you needed. You get to write the next chapter of your story. You can find yourself after divorce in a way you might not have thought of while attached to someone else. This can help you be sure that you are writing that next chapter purposefully, not just by chance.
The cool thing is that when you find yourself after divorce, you may find that you were never lost. You were just hiding behind someone else’s needs, wants, and preferences. You may have even been hiding from yourself. Don’t be afraid of what you are going to find. You are interesting and lovable and fantastic, and YOU’VE GOT THIS!
Pixi-Pebbles for How To Find Yourself After Divorce
We’ve used these little Pixi-Pebbles to move ourselves from a feeling we’re not enjoying very much…to a feeling that helps us discover our vision of intention, awareness, and direction.
They lead us to hope, possibilities, and a fire under our butt to live life by design instead of default.
In our blog, 7 Awesome And Empowering Ways To Find Yourself After A Divorce, here is a Pixi-Pebble that came to mind…
Just a little inspiration to get you from here to there…
We love Dolly Parton for so many reasons. Her song Light Of A Clear Blue Morning is just one of them. If you are looking for some inspiration as you find yourself after divorce, click here to check it out.
