Table of Contents
It can be challenging to be your authentic self. But it can be even harder to still be your authentic self in relationships. Romantic relationships, friendships, family ties, or work connections can all get…messy when you aren’t genuine to who you really are.
But it can also get messy when you aren’t a carbon copy of what everyone else expects you to be. So what do you do? What if you’ve worked hard on discovering who you are, what matters to you, and what you choose in life. How do you stay solid with who you authentically are while staying in some sort of harmony with others? 7 Ways to Discover the Real You With Enchanted Perspectives
It’s tricky to still be your authentic self in relationships. In romantic relationships, we can often lose who we are to please someone else. With family, friends, and co-workers, we can get overwhelmed when we are the oddball that doesn’t feel, think or act like everyone else.
However, it can be done and feels lovely when you are the same person no matter who you are with in the moment. So, what would it feel like to still be your authentic self, even in relationships?
You can be your authentic self and still adjust yourself at times. Yeah… you might have to adjust your volume, maybe even adjust your topics and verbiage (Don’t use the F-word in front of grandma—Don’t bring up politics around Uncle Eddie). You can be authentic and still be harmonic, gracious, and considerate with others. The next part is being congruent and consistent.
Being congruent and consistent is when you are who you are no matter who you are with. We promise it feels empowering, genuine and authentic. (You won’t mind adjusting your vocabulary around Grandma.) If you are new to standing on your “authentic you” legs, we will fill you in on some really big secrets and clarify some messy misconceptions.
Really Big Secret #1 To Still Be Your Authentic Self In Relationships: Two Do Not Become One.
Let’s start with what is usually the most complex challenge to still be your authentic self in relationships. Of course, it’s usually a romantic mix and match that gets our attention.
We believed a big lie thanks to power ballads, romance novels, and Hallmark Movies. It’s even in some people’s marriage vows that “two become one” or “two hearts should beat as one.”
When two people become one person, you wind up with two half people. Who would ever sign up for that? Every human being is a unique individual. Each has their own experiences, perspectives, and understandings of life.
We all have quirks and squiggles in our personalities and rough spots that we are still working out. But we are one whole person that can’t just divide into shares and halves and fractions because we love someone.
One of the greatest joys of being a human is finding someone to share our life experiences. Unfortunately, the “to be in love, you have to become one person” belief means someone has to give up part of who they are. Do you flip a coin on that or what? 7 Ways to Discover the Real You With Enchanted Perspectives
What if two whole, healed individuals joined their authentic selves to create a life together. Now ya got something anchored and solid. What would it feel like to find someone you could be yourself with and encourage them to do the same?.
While that is happening, what if you found common ground to stand on that complimented each other’s quirks and squiggles? Think of any two happy people you know who have been together a long time. We’ve never seen a happy and healthy relationship that didn’t have a version of common ground as a foundation with room for those quirks and squiggles.
You Don’t Have To Start Over.
You can create this even in an established relationship. There is no need for a wrecking ball through the center of your relationship. You don’t have to start from scratch.
Know that an authentic relationship doesn’t come from just sacrifice and compromise. You create authentic relationships in finding harmony and cooperation.
We also don’t have to have someone just like us to still be our authentic selves in relationships. First, you can’t find someone “Just like” you. Yes, you find someone who harmonize easier than others. But no one is just like you. Second, for any of us…someone just like us would probably be as annoying as hell.
Every successful romantic relationship is grounded in trust, respect, and love mixed with a big bucket of honest, kind, and clear communication. So to begin or recreate the relationship, be sure to let the other person meet your authentic self. 7 Ways to Discover the Real You With Enchanted Perspectives
Relationships often start with us just wanting to be liked. Then, we can quickly get into people-pleasing. We often talk to people who are true to themselves in every part of their life except in romantic relationships.
They adjust who they are to please the other person. Then they adjust again and again…till they realize they have lost who they are. They changed too much to hold on to the other person. So they not only lost their authentic self, but they also forfeited their authentic self.
Changing who we are is not what a healthy relationship is. Yes, you might adjust little things that you agree need adjusting. We might also take the opportunity to change something big we have wanted to change for a long time.
Self Improvement Is Fine But Don’t Lose Who You Are.
Sometimes our relationships bring out the best in us. Sometimes they motivate a needed change. For example, we might give up smoking because the other person has allergies or give up angry outbursts because…well, they just aren’t ok for anyone.
But don’t change the things you are glad to be and worked hard to cultivate to please someone else. Billy Joel had it right when he sang, “Don’t go changing to try to please me.” “I love you just the way you are.”
Whether it is a new romantic relationship or an established one, share who you are. Sometimes you have to share who you are as you find out yourself.
We can’t be angry with anyone for not knowing who we are if we aren’t our authentic self around them. Likewise, we can’t be mad at someone for not understanding us when we have never shared how we really feel about… anything.
Know that you can do this and still be kind, considerate, and gracious. You don’t have to be in your face, “here it is…if you don’t like it, too bad” Just share, communicate, be brave, be who you are.
Build your romantic relationship by being your authentic self and the other person doing the same. Now you’ve got a rock-solid foundation for the years.
Romance is fun and yummy, and we love it, love it, love it. But remember that a long-term romantic relationship is not about looking into each other’s eyes. It’s about two authentic, genuine souls looking in the same direction.
Really Big Secret #2 To Still Be Your Authentic Self In Relationships: Be Honest About Who You Are And Who You Are Becoming.
We tend to get upset with others for not seeing who we are, not understanding who we are, or not allowing who we are. But what if they aren’t doing any of those things because you never shared with them who you are.
You can’t be upset with people at work for not knowing you if you have never been honest about who you are or how you feel. On the other hand, if you go along with the crowd even when you disagree, folks are surprised when they find out you are about something else altogether.
We get upset with family for not understanding us when we have never really communicated how we feel, what we want or what we choose. If we hide who we are and how we feel, it’s not fair to be mad at others for not seeing our authentic selves. 7 Ways to Discover the Real You With Enchanted Perspectives
Here’s A Simple (Maybe Not Always Easy Plan) For That:
- Do your work. Know yourself. Know who you are, what you want, how you feel.
- Be honest with yourself and everyone else about that.
- Communicate who you are, how you feel, and what you choose. Do this in a kind and gracious way but do it as often as needed.
Keep others in your life posted as your perspective shifts and change. Don’t be a mystery for everyone to figure out. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and be who the hell you are telling everyone you are.
This is one of our favorite books about following your dream, protecting that dream and being who you really are. Anything by Paulo Coelho has a big possibility of changing your life (Click here to get your copy.)
Really Big Secret #3 To Still Be Your Authentic Self In Relationships: Don’t Make Other People Read Your Mind.
If you don’t tell them, other people can’t know who you are, what you need, or how you feel. That is why you need that bucket of good communication. They also can’t know those things about you if you don’t know those things about you.
That is why self-work, quiet time, and me-time are so important. It’s why being your authentic self is not selfish. Being your authentic self feeds healthy relationships and permits others to do the same.
When you are true to who you are, you give everyone else in the room space to do the same. In wanting to still be your authentic self in relationships, you have to communicate who “authentic you” is. People can’t read our minds as much as we wish they could or are grateful they can’t.
Don’t make people follow you around the house, trying to figure you out. As you know who you are, express that. Do it graciously and without ego, but show people who you are and what you care about.
Really Big Secret #4 To Still Be Your Authentic Self In Relationships: Encourage Others To Do The Same.
If you are new to owning who you are and being your authentic self, you might feel a need to declare your individuality. However, we encourage you not to “declare” it. Most of us don’t enjoy being talked at or talked down to.
You don’t have to have a chip on your shoulder or grudgee to bear. You don’t have to say, “Look at me!” We suggest something more gentle and effective. “Don’t declare, just share.”
You can share even without words. Share by your actions, your reactions, and your interactions. Share your choices and responses. Conversation is a lovely way to communicate but also share in a way that shows who you are. Share in a voice that encourages others to do the same.
Cultivate connecting chats about, “What do you really want?” “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” “What would you know if you weren’t afraid to know it?” Then listen…like really listen. 7 Ways to Discover the Real You With Enchanted Perspectives
Desire to understand as much as you desire to be understood. This is how authentic people create authentic relationships. It works whether you are talking to a coworker, a friend, a family member, your children, or a significant other.
Be honest about who you are and keep in touch with yourself to know when you’re changing. Don’t expect others to just get it. Instead, share those changing perspectives with the others in your life.
If you do all of that and encourage the other people in your life to do the same, you will experience a harmony. You will feel the connection you have looked for in those around you. You will find it is just…natural to still be your authentic self, even in relationships.
Pixi Pebbles…To Encourage You To Still Be Your Authentic Self In Relationships.
Pixi-Pebbles are songs, quotes, videos, interviews, movie references, and books that we each personally pick for you.
We’ve used these little Pixi-Pebbles to move ourselves from a feeling we’re not enjoying very much…to a feeling that helps us discover our vision of intention, awareness, and direction.
They lead us to hope, possibilities, and a fire under our butt to live life by design instead of default.
In our blog 4 Really Big Secrets to Still Be Your Authentic Self in Relationships message, these are the Pixi-Pebbles that came to mind.
Just a little inspiration to get you from here to there.
We love all things Trolls (I mean glitter, color, singing, hugging…how could we not!?!) This song, in particular, has a lot of meaning for us…always being a reminder that even on our not-so-great days-it is safe to be just who we are with each other. We hope this song is a good reminder (and model if needed) that you deserve to be in relationships with people who see your true colors and love you unconditionally, allowing you to be your most authentic, healthy self!
Click Here To Watch True Colors by- Justin Timberlake and Anna Kendrick
