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Sometimes, a soft and quiet thought inside our head is scary as hell. In a whisper, it says, “I think I’m ready for a divorce.” Then you might push that thought around your brain like pushing peas across your plate, hoping they will disappear.
Of course, thoughts like this are concerning. They are big, sharp, and sneaky. The more you push them down, the more they poke up at you like a thorn in your flip-flops. You’re reading this, so you must be willing to give the thought a little room. You might even be ready to sort and figure yourself out now. Is this a thought to take action on or a red flag that could save your marriage? It could be either. So, let’s start sorting.
Let’s Get A Few Things Clear At The Top Of That Sorting List.
1.) Neither of us works as marriage a counselor. We are life coaches. As coaches, we help people get all the jigsaw puzzle pieces out on the table. Then, we assist in finding the edges, sorting out the colors and shapes, and putting it all together.
But we first ask clients if they know the most critical piece of a jigsaw puzzle. After a few guesses (no one guesses it), we tell them… it’s the box. The box has a picture of what you want to create. So that is what we hope to help you do…find your picture so you know what to do with your pieces.
2.) If you are in a relationship that involves beating, cheating, or addiction, get live and in-person assistance. If you feel abused and unsafe, please call your local domestic violence center or the National Domestic Violence Support Hotline. They have trained people who find solutions for situations like yours every day.
If you or your spouse are struggling with addictions, reach out to one of the many addiction facilities and groups. If infidelity is the problem in your relationship, marriage counselors can be very helpful, even if only one of you goes.
Let’s Also Put This One In Bold Letters: We Don’t Encourage or Endorse Divorce.
However, we do encourage everyone to be true to themselves, make healthy choices, and live life according to their best design. Sometimes, that means stopping, regrouping, and starting again together or apart. We can’t think of anyone we dislike enough to wish them a divorce.
Even the best divorces are challenging and take a great deal of healing afterward. Dissecting the thought, “I think I’m ready for a divorce,” can help you realize what needs changing and what needs closing. We hope this list will help you move forward with a clear mind. Then you can decide if starting again happens together or apart.
I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce Consideration Point #1:
One Of Us No Longer Cares Or Has Stopped Trying.
An old country song goes, “There’s nothing cold as ashes after the fire is gone.” That’s true. But you have to decide whether the fire is gone or just needs stirring to get the coals going again.
There is nothing like the brain chemistry that pulses through our veins when we have a new and shiny person in our lives. It’s intoxicating with a lusty cocktail of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins. We are on a cloud made of cotton candy and red hots. You each appear brilliant and gorgeous. Even an accidental touch feels like a whisky shot, and every damn thing they say is interesting and genius.
Who doesn’t want that? It’s incredible. But it is not sustainable. “Then what’s the point?” you might ask. The point is to grow into something deeper and richer and…REAL. Long-term, healthy, committed relationships grow like trees. They get tall and big, but they don’t always grow in a straight line.
Rather than just that hot surge of sex and candy, you grow into something that feels less like putting your finger in a light socket. It feels more like a slow, steady, sweet burn. There’s still heat, but its fuel is trust, respect, and genuinely being connected.
With That In Mind, Has One Of You Really Stopped Caring Or Has One Or Both Of You Just Gotten Lazy?
It is not a cliche to say that marriage is work. It’s like the work you’ve spent building your career with attention and intention. It works just like raising healthy kids, which is about consistency and stability. Are the ashes cold, or do you just need to start paying attention to what matters to both of you? Is it time to recall what brought you together in the first place?
If something is still there to catch fire, get a stick and start stirring those ashes. Now is a good time to see a marriage counselor, or you may need some real time to get to know each other again.
I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce Consideration Point #2:
I Love Them, But I’m Not In Love With Them Anymore.
A key question is, “Do you still love them?” Sometimes, we hear a definitive “Oh Yes!” answer. If that is your answer, there is still some fire in those ashes to work with to get you back on track. However, often the more common answer is, “I still care about them,” “I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to them,” or “I still care about their happiness.” Then there’s “He’s the father of my children, and he’s such a good Dad.” That did not answer the question.
Those answers are a good indicator that you love this person but are no longer “In Love,” “In Connection,” or “In Relationship” with them. Can this be fixed? It depends. Are you feeling the disconnection and lack of love because it’s gone or because you have just lost track of each other? Counseling or working on your connection can help you know if there is still something to build on. If you absolutely can’t see yourself as their person anymore, you may be ready for a divorce.
I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce Consideration Point #3:
We Know What Needs Changing But…One Of Us Doesn’t Want To Change.
This is a common problem when someone says, “I think I’m ready for a divorce.”
Many times, you’ve established the problem. You’ve discussed the change that is needed. But one of you doesn’t want to do what it will take to create that change. Maybe it’s because one of you doesn’t see the problem as a problem. Perhaps one of you sees the problem but thinks, “Good enough is…good enough.”
Example:
You and your spouse have realized that the problem making you grow apart and feel disconnected is that you seldom spend quality time together. The main reason is that you both work late during the week and have too many social obligations on the weekend.
If one or both of you aren’t willing to take time away from work and friends to invest time in each other, how can your relationship change? Often, relationships stop growing because of wonky habits and patterns. Old patterns create old results.
Sometimes, one or both of you understand the problem but aren’t willing to work to resolve it. This doesn’t usually work out well for the home team. Relationships are about perspectives and priorities. It could be time to examine both.
I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce Consideration Point #4:
You Have To Be Someone Other Than Yourself So That You Can Stay Together.
Sometimes a person is ready for divorce because they just aren’t the same person they were when they vowed to “honor and cherish till death do we part.” Also, maybe the person you married isn’t the same person you fell in love with years ago.
It’s often referred to as growing apart instead of together. Some tell us they just can’t be who their significant other wants them to be. Sometimes, we hear, “If I’m happy, they aren’t, and if they’re happy, I’m not.” This usually results from differences in what they each think life should look like.
Healthy love relationships aren’t about looking into each other’s eyes. They are about two healthy people looking in the same direction with harmonizing perspectives and priorities regarding the future.
That’s Not Where We Are. Now What?
If the two of you have landed in two different spaces on the wheel of fortune, “I think I’m ready for a divorce” is usually what it looks like. Sometimes, it goes deeper, and what you thought love looked like has changed. Deeper than that, sometimes, how you see your person has changed and is no longer what you need and want.
Any of these can make you ready for divorce if you can’t find a solution that works for you both. There are many isolated people out there. But being lonely when you are still with someone is the worst kind of lonely there is. Sometimes, what the two of you want out of life just can’t cocreate anymore. A mermaid and a unicorn can fall in love, but where are they gonna live?
I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce Consideration Point #5:
I Can’t See Where I fit In This Marriage Or This Life Anymore.
This leads to another level of deep fracture in a relationship. As we said, being alone when you are still with someone is the worst kind of loneliness. If you are at a point where you just can’t see where you fit in this marriage anymore…maybe you don’t.
For the outside world, it may not look like anything has changed. But for you, something significant is different. You may have had a powerful perspective shift about yourself or how you want to experience life. When this happens, people often say, “I don’t know what happened…we were happy… and then we weren’t.”
That’s oversimplified, but it’s often what it looks like. Sometimes, the routine of marriage is trudging along just fine. Then, an opportunity for growth and change comes into your life. All is happening gradually to you, but your partner is not in your mental loop. Things are changing, but they can’t figure out how or why. Now…they aren’t sure what to do with you.
There is a line in a Rob Thomas song that says, “You and I got lost somewhere; we can’t move or we can’t stay here.” That is precisely what it feels like. Patty Smythe sang, “Sometimes love just ain’t enough,” unfortunately, she is right. This happens because we are changing, and the other person doesn’t know who we are changing into or vice versa.
I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce Consideration Point #6:
I Don’t Know Who I Am In This Marriage.
Getting lost in a relationship is easy, especially when you have given up pieces of yourself to make it work. This can quickly happen when “People Pleasing” has been a foundational brick of the relationship. For some, the best way to build a relationship (any relationship) is to find out what the other person wants in a companion and then…just become that.
Easy peasy, right? It is an easy way to start, but most of us can’t hold our breath that long. As the relationship progresses and we grow as a living, breathing, genuine person, the truth…our truth comes out. Who we really are and what we really want will surface one day.
So What Do I Do About It?
Losing who you are in a marriage happens because there is no room for your authentic voice and expression. There is no space for who you really are. You will feel like you can’t grow and can’t see the future. Your counterpart will shake their head, looking down at their beer, saying, “We were so happy…I just don’t know what happened.” They never knew that the real you isn’t the you they married.
You made yourself into someone else to fit in this relationship. Your genuine self has checked into your life and left you with nowhere to sleep. Is this repairable? Yes, but only with honesty, transparency, and a partner willing to get to know you again.
I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce Consideration Point #7:
I Only Wanted This Marriage For Companionship, Love, And Connection, And None Of Those Are Happening.
In the old days, women needed men for financial support. You couldn’t own a piece of land without a man. Men needed women to cook, clean, and raise children. Now, we are more independent as people and in our roles in marriage. Often, the only reason we need anyone else in our lives is because we have a human need for companionship, love, and connection. These days, if those things are missing, there isn’t much need to get married. What if you aren’t interested in just paying bills together and co-parenting?
Sometimes, it can be hard to explain to someone why you want a divorce when they see nothing wrong with your life. You guys make the cutest couple, and on paper, ya’ll are rockin’ it. Again, no one is abusing, bullying, cheating, or addicted. There isn’t anything bad happening—there just isn’t anything happening at all.
The Empty Perfect Marriage.
This is what we call an “Empty Perfect Marriage.” Everything looks right but feels all wrong. Everything looks like your cup is running over, but you are so thirsty. There’s water everywhere, but not a drop to drink.
It can be like living in a Barbie Dream House with the Barbie Car and the pretty Barbie clothes. But inside, you might feel cold, alone, hurt, angry, or unfulfilled without connection and companionship. Individual counseling paired with marriage counseling can be beneficial here. But don’t wait too long to ask for help. If you do realize you’re ready for a divorce, go while you can still honestly say, “I love you.”
Be Open And Honest With You First.
Ask yourself where you are and who you are in this relationship. We can’t lay all the blame on the other person. However, you have to start with yourself. Who are you, and what do you want your life to look like? The defining question is, are you still in love, and is there still something here to save? I think I’m ready for a divorce is not a death sentence to your vows. It could be the call for help that you both need. Regardless, you can figure this out and live to tell the story. Don’t doubt yourself. You’ve got this.
Pixi-Pebbles For When you are saying, “I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce.”
We’ve used these little Pixi-Pebbles to move ourselves from a feeling we’re not enjoying very much…to a feeling that helps us discover our vision of intention, awareness, and direction.
They lead us to hope, possibilities, and a fire under our butt to live life by design instead of default.
In our blog, I Think I’m Ready For A Divorce 7 Key Points To Help You Decide, came to mind…
Just a little inspiration to get you from here to there…
Sometimes when we need to make important, big decisions we just need to pause and work through a strategy for making a good decision. One of our blogs is a great Pixi-Pebble if you need just a little extra guidance to make a good decision when you think you might be ready for divorce. Check it out… 8 Clear Steps: How To Make A Good Decision About Anything.
